Act Like You Are On Your Honeymoon!

Yesterday, my husband and I had an extremely busy day. At the end of it, we were both tired. We talked briefly, just to catch up. Then it was lights off, time to sleep. Then something made me get playful. Then something made Rueben respond by being just as playful. Next thing you know we had sex twice, like we were on our honeymoon all over again. It was fantastic. I highly recommend acting like this. Maybe every day would not be practical, but often enough to keep things fun and exciting.

Communicate

Something has been on both of our minds lately, and last night we talked it out in great detail. We both listened to each other intently, with patience and respect. Some of it was difficult to say and difficult to hear, but through it all, we held hands and looked deeply into each other's eyes. It brought us closer. Afterwards, we made love. My message for today is communicate with your partner. Don't keep things bottled up inside.

The Marriage Bed Should Be Kept Pure

My advice today is to keep the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4). I have been told I am attractive by both men and women. As an attractive woman who does most of my work at home, I have ample opportunities to have an affair. But I have enormous respect for and appreciation for what I have with my husband, so I strive for purity. I got a vibe from a fellow artist that he was attracted to me, so when he invited me to his 11 p.m. concert, I made sure to bring my husband with me, to give a clear message of where my loyalty lies. It worked. His e-mails turned from flirtatious recently, to business-like today.

Agree to Disagree

Last night, Rueben and I saw the highly anticipated, star-studded film, "Inception," with Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marion Cotillard, and others. My husband thought it was a masterpiece. I disagreed. I loved the stunning, jaw-dropping visual effects, and was mesmerized by Marion Cotillard's acting, but other than that, I did not like the film. I found the script to be poorly written. Rueben couldn't disagree more. He thought the script was excellent. We talked about our opposing views, and agreed to disagree. We did not argue about it. He loved it and would enjoy seeing it again. I would not like to see it again. Maybe parts of it, but not the whole thing. I thought it needed more editing and was needlessly long and tedious at times. The point is, Rueben and I agreed to disagree. We discussed our views of the movie for a few minutes, then moved on to other topics of conversation.

Never Stop Dating!

Rueben and I have extremely demanding schedules. But we always make time to go out together. This weekend is no exception. Yesterday afternoon, we went to the premiere of Angelina Jolie's new movie, "Salt." We loved it. We also went to Caffe Vivaldi to have dinner and to see my friend Jem Warren perform. He is a singer/songwriter. The show was excellent, and the food was good. But the best part was looking across the table to see my sexy husband! Tonight, we are seeing "Inception." I know it is Leonardo DiCaprio's movie, but I am more interested in my girl, Marion Cotillard. I have been obsessed with her since I saw her in "La Vie En Rose." Rueben and I also loved her in "Public Enemies." She is mesmerizing!

My message for today, is never stop dating. No matter how long you are with your partner, keep the romance fresh. Rueben and I have been together three years, but it seems like we just met recently. On our dates, we talk, we laugh, we hold hands, we kiss, we do all those little things that we used to do when we first met.

I Could Have Sung!

In a song I wrote about and to my husband, I sing, "Everything you do is magic to me. Everything you say makes me happy. Everywhere we go is like a movie. Your love makes me love you." We had a date tonight, and I could have broken into song! We were so happy to be in each other's company and so proud of each other.

We went to a fund raiser for the Jack Brewer Foundation, supporting poor children of Malawi. The event was enormously fulfilling, since it was for a great cause, but it was also lots of fun. We donated money, admired art work (the event took place in our friend Eli Klein's gallery in Soho), and sat in the front row at a fashion show. I felt like we were in "Sex and the City 3."

Great Minds

There is an old saying that "Great minds think alike." Well my great mind, and my husband's great mind, both decided to scrub the tub yesterday. I bought a large package of cleanser on the way home, and he bought a large bottle of liquid cleaner on the way home. Just moments after he arrived home, he took care of it. I was so pleasantly surprised! What a great match we make! I was so grateful to see that he took the initiative! I am so grateful. To be frank, cleaning the tub was overdue because I hate doing it, so it got sort of out of hand. Anyway, if there is something around the house that needs to be done, it is a great idea to go ahead and take care of it. Your spouse will be very glad that you did.

Help Each Other

In the second chapter of Genesis, Eve was created as a "suitable helper" for Adam. This is no small thing. Companionship and friendship and making love are all wonderful things. But what we are really here for is to help each other.

Yesterday morning, I was having a hard time waking up and getting out of bed. Because of my slow start, I did not fix breakfast, as is my usual practice on Sunday mornings before church. But Rueben did not miss a beat. When he saw I had not prepared breakfast for us, he took care of it! Afterwards, I washed the dishes. Yesterday evening, I helped some more by making a large batch of Buffalo wings--enough for us to eat for the next several days. And today, Rueben volunteered to talk to a friend of his on my behalf to help my music career.

I am Rueben's suitable helper, and he is mine. How have you helped your spouse today? If you struggle for the answer, not to worry. Just get right on that now. Think of some way to help, and act on it as soon as you can.

Don't Stand In Your Spouse's Way

Every Sunday, here is how it goes: 8:45 a.m. breakfast, 9:45 a.m. Rueben's Jenny Craig consultation, 10:45 church, then Rueben and I usually part ways for several hours with divergent activities. He has a quick lunch, then meets with clients, while I meet one of my girlfriends for brunch, then take a long walk, and do some grocery shopping. Then I catch up on my e-mails, write, study, and relax. Usually my husband and I get back together in time to watch "Hung" and "Entourage" on HBO. Great shows. Anyway, this afternoon, Rueben called to say his schedule had changed and asked if it was alright. The schedule change meant he wouldn't be home until the shows were both over. I said I did not want to stand in his way and he shouldn't worry about it. It is the same response that I would want if I were the one who needed to change our plans.

Talk Fondly About Your Spouse

I was talking to my girlfriend Mithsou this morning, just catching up with what is new,when we both suddenly expressed to each other how grateful we are to God for giving us great husbands. We have been friends long enough that we know each other's dating history, heartaches, and headaches. So now, we often talk to each other about how much happier we are now than years ago when we were still "out there." Our husbands are considerate, affectionate, and crazy about us. Who could ask for anything more?

Start the Day Right

Usually, when my husband wakes up early in the morning, I roll over and go back to sleep. Today, though, I got up with him. I am glad that I did. We had some quality time together of kissing, hugging, and talking--three of our favorite things. It was a wonderful way to start the day.

Press On Towards Your Goals

Last night, when we went to bed, Rueben and I continued our 30 days of studying Philippians experiment. We have a goal to read the entire book every day, no matter what. It is possible because it is a relatively short book. Today is my day twenty-one. I say "my" because I am one day ahead of everyone else. I started it one day, and the next day recruited my husband and two girlfriends to join me. We plan to compare notes after everyone reaches 30 days. Anyway, last night, instead of going straight to Philippians, I decided to look in my concordance to find a scripture I memorized years ago, that I felt could help my husband and I achieve our goals. I thought that we both just had disappointing weigh ins. He lost .8 pounds and was hoping for a bigger loss, and I gained 1.4, which is definitely going in the wrong direction. At Jenny Craig, slow and steady win the race. Any loss is a call for celebration, as we are going for "progress, not perfection."

Anyway,the scripture that came to mind that I thought we needed is "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death" (Proverbs 14:12). This seemed helpful because whatever we did last week seemed right at the time, or we convinced ourselves that they if were at least okay, if not right, but the results killed us. While I was looking for that scripture the Holy Spirit lead me to another very powerful one: "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1). This to me addresses the foolishness of self-sabotage. There are lots of moments every day when you are either wisely building something in your life, or foolishly tearing yourself down. I turned to Rueben with fire in my heart, saying, "Let's build ourselves up, not tear ourselves down. Let's be wise, not foolish."

Right there was a turning point. We decided from that point on, we will check in with each other about what we eat, what we drink, and how much we exercise. We will keep each other accountable and spur each other on, "being one in spirit and purpose" (Philippians 2:2b).

I told him today that we are in this together and we are going to have a great week. He had his doubts, but I have confidence in God and confidence in each other that with God's help, we can complete whatever we set out to do (Philippians 1:6).

A friend of mine once said that a goal is a dream with a deadline. Well, by each of our next weigh ins, I am convinced we can both have weight loss to be happy about, by forgetting the mistakes of the past, and pressing on to the successes of the future (Philippians 3: 12-14).

Make the Most of Limited Time

My husband and I have very demanding, and very different schedules. He often leaves for work before I am fully awake. But I make the most of our time together, especially at the start of the day. In my groggy, still dreaming, state, I make a point of turning to him and embracing him. I try to do this no matter how sleepy I am, so that he knows how much he means to me. I also wish him a good day. If your time together is limited in quantity, make up for it in quality.

Be Affectionate

This morning, in church, at various moments throughout the service and afterwards too, my husband and I embraced, and held hands, and had other public displays of love and affection. I have a great model to thank for these P.D.A.s I grew up watching my crazy about each other parents showing affection for each other in front of me and my siblings. That is not only normal for me, but desireable as well. Some people stop such displays a few years or even months after first meeting. But Rueben and I still do it after about three years together. And my parents still do it after decades together.

One of my favorite public displays of affection is holding each other cheek to cheek. I feel such warmth whenever we do that. It is so fun. It is like dancing.

A Rough Time

When you are having a rough time, to whom do you turn? I was having a hard time this evening, with a long and difficult task. I called my husband for a pep talk, then successfully completed the task. It is great to have a supportive spouse to share joys and challenges.

Wait at the Cottage Door

Last night when my husband arrived home, I was in the middle of reading the Bible. My mother recently challenged me to read the entire book of Philippians every day for 30 days. Yesterday was day 15. But I was so wrapped up in other things all day yesterday, that at the end of the evening, I found that I hadn't done my reading yet. Obviously, my relationship with God is more important than my relationship with my husband, because without the former, I would not have the latter. But on the other hand, Rueben should not have to wait for me to finish reading when he just came home. So I postponed finishing my reading until a half hour after Rueben arrived. I put myself in his place and knew that if I had just come home, I would want some time with him.

Putting yourself in your spouse's place is an important part of having a harmonious relationship. I prayed for God to forgive me for, in this instance, putting Rueben first. I trust that since, I am usually much better about putting God first, that this one slip up would be forgiven and He would bless our time together. He did. We talked, we held hands, we kissed, we hugged, we watched a comedy, we laughed together, and it was all so lovely.

Then I not only read Philippians, but several other scriptures as well, spending quality time with the Lord. After a fruitful time in the Bible, I went back to focusing on my husband. He appreciated it and started stroking my back, which was soothing and relaxing. I had told him I wasn't sleepy, but knew I needed sleep, so he did what he could to make me sleepy. It worked.

In the future, I will be more careful about how I spend my time. There is no good reason why I was faced with the dilema of God versus husband. I spent too much of the afternoon and evening in front of the television. In the future, I will use my time more wisely. But when I decided to put off my Bible study for 30 minutes while connecting with my husband, I did so because I reasoned that two wrongs don't make a right. Why should my husband not be able to spend time with me when he got home, because of my poor planning? It is important to let your spouse know that he or she is important to you and that you miss him or her when you are apart. There is a line from one of my favorite songs, "Just imagine someone, waiting at the cottage door, where two hearts become one. Who could ask for anything more?" This is from "Nice Work if You Can Get It." When you are the one who is home first, be great to come home to, as often as possible. Try to avoid being wrapped up in something when your spouse arrives.

Spur Each Other On

My husband and I could both stand to lose some weight, which is why we are both members of Jenny Craig. We have both lost weight on the program, but sometimes have setbacks and struggles. His weigh in is every Sunday and mine is every Tuesday. Both our weigh ins this week had disappointing results. We both gained about 2 pounds each. I was reflecting last night on our bad results and realized that part of the issue is that even though we are both on the program, we hardly ever talk about it together. I know. Duh, right?

So yesterday, I wrote a long e-mail to Rueben, telling him that just as we check in with each other every day about many different issues, I think we should include our journey to being fit and healthy. He agreed this is a good idea. So today, we started. I shared how long I worked out (20 minutes) and the wise food and drink choices that I made. He let me know his eating habits so far this week and how he has been feeling.

I feel more than ever like we are in it together and will spur each other on towards success.

Autonomy

Hope you had a wonderful Fourth of July! Mine was great. My husband and I went to church, lunch, and two parties. The first party was a birthday party for my girlfriend and flute player Elise Wood. It was fun. There was great food, good wine, wonderful music, and great conversation with fantastic people. And my husband struck the right balance between sticking with me and letting me do my own thing. I like to spend some time together and some time apart, in general and at social gatherings. We did both at Elise's place and that made me very happy. It is very healthy to strike the right balance between time together and time apart. We left Elise's birthday party in midtown and went to my husband's friend Josh's rooftop barbecue in Jersey City. It had fantastic food, a breathtaking view, and friendly people. Rueben and I had a good time at the barbecue, but I preferred the birthday party. Anyway, my tip for today, is maintain some autonomy at a party. Do NOT be attached at the hip. It is not healthy.

The Last Dance

This afternoon something really awful happened that made me lose heart. I felt really down and discouraged. It was because I preformed poorly on an exam that I took. I tried to tell my husband how badly I felt, but instead I said very little and unfairly expected him to comfort me in my hour of need. But since I said very little about how I was feeling and he is not psychic, he did not comfort me in the way I longed for. At that point, I did something very unfair. I turned my anger at the situation into anger towards him and stormed off cursing him under my breath! It was quite crude. I called him a f----ing selfish piece of sh--. But a few minutes later, I thought better of it. I told him plainly the impact that my dismal grade had on me and he came to me and put his arms around me. We talked together and prayed together until my mood improved. And I didn't just talk about how I felt. I confessed the sin of cursing him like that and apologized to him for it.

Do not make my initial mistake of not being open, then expecting your spouse to read your mind. That is just unfair and foolish. Be direct. Say, "I need you by me, beside me to guide me, to hold me and to scold me. 'Cause when I'm bad I am so so bad." I am sorry Donna Summer. It just felt right.

Seriously, if there is something you need, say so. Rueben and I spoke about it and he basically said that when I told him I failed my exam, he did not know what to say, plus he knows me to be a woman of great tenacity so he thought I would just get right back on the horse. But I told him, I needed him to help me back onto the horse and that even if he wasn't sure what to say, if nothing else, when (not if) somthing like this happens again, he should simply be with me so I am not alone in my torment.

Comfort and Joy

I was very discouraged last night because I did not do well on an exam that I recently took. My poor performance depressed me and made me feel overwhelmed and unwilling to get back on the horse and try again. But thank God for my husband. When I ocnfided in him how I was feeling, he took me into his arms and gently stroked my back for a long, long time. I am not sure how long it was, but he just kept doing it until he soothed me, comforted me, and helped me to feel joy in contentment. It reminded me of my song, "Come Lie Down," in which I sing "I'll protect you from the encroaching world...I'll soothe you..." But I was the one being soothed. I was the one being protected. Sometimes things happen that can be discouraging. But thank God that at those times, we can find comfort and joy in each other's arms.

Forgive and DON'T Forget

I have forgiven exes for the terrible things they did to me and the hurt they put me through. But thank God I have not forgotten what it is like to be out there in the dating world. It is good not to forget, because remembering makes me appreciate what I have with my husband all the more. For instance, I was spending the morning and afternoon today with one of my dearest friends, her husband, and their son. I told my friend how much I appreciate how well I get along with my husband. We get along so well that in three years of knowing him, we have only had two disagreements. That is an excellent record. But with the person I almost married a few years ago, we would get into HEATED, destructive arguments every few days. And we would keep repeating a pattern of breaking up, and making up, and breaking up and making up, over and over. Talk about drama! It was so draining and unhealthy. We broke up so many times in our four years together, that I lost count! Or another ex wanted to force me to marry him by getting me pregnant. He pretended he had a condom on one night, but he actually did not. Thank God I neither got pregnant, nor caught anything. You get the idea. I have forgiven all the pain caused by various things exes have done. But I will never forget. The day I forget, is the day I am vulnerable to the dangerous practice of taking my husband and the great relationship we have for granted. Recently, during the Sunday sermon at church, the preacher pointed out that the popular saying "Forgive and forget" is NOT in the bible. On the contrary. Usually when the word "forget" appears in scripture, the command is to NOT forget. It is definitely worth thinking about!