Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Last Dance

This afternoon something really awful happened that made me lose heart. I felt really down and discouraged. It was because I preformed poorly on an exam that I took. I tried to tell my husband how badly I felt, but instead I said very little and unfairly expected him to comfort me in my hour of need. But since I said very little about how I was feeling and he is not psychic, he did not comfort me in the way I longed for. At that point, I did something very unfair. I turned my anger at the situation into anger towards him and stormed off cursing him under my breath! It was quite crude. I called him a f----ing selfish piece of sh--. But a few minutes later, I thought better of it. I told him plainly the impact that my dismal grade had on me and he came to me and put his arms around me. We talked together and prayed together until my mood improved. And I didn't just talk about how I felt. I confessed the sin of cursing him like that and apologized to him for it.

Do not make my initial mistake of not being open, then expecting your spouse to read your mind. That is just unfair and foolish. Be direct. Say, "I need you by me, beside me to guide me, to hold me and to scold me. 'Cause when I'm bad I am so so bad." I am sorry Donna Summer. It just felt right.

Seriously, if there is something you need, say so. Rueben and I spoke about it and he basically said that when I told him I failed my exam, he did not know what to say, plus he knows me to be a woman of great tenacity so he thought I would just get right back on the horse. But I told him, I needed him to help me back onto the horse and that even if he wasn't sure what to say, if nothing else, when (not if) somthing like this happens again, he should simply be with me so I am not alone in my torment.

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